Baby Got Sauce

Yeah, my job is so awesome that they pay for the entire company to go see The Avengers at the Cinerama on opening day.  It’s not a spoiler to say that Loki eventually finds himself in need of a good drink.  Here’s a little something something that sounds all girly and innocent with the amaretto, but will kick your ass if you don’t walk around swinging a really big hammer.  And by hammer, I mean…

Loki’s Revenge

3 oz Bulleit bourbon
.5 oz amaretto
.5 oz Becherovka
2 dashes Bittermen’s Mole Bitters

Stir everything with ice in a Tesseract.  Realize you don’t have a fucking Tesseract.  Go for the Yarai mixing glass instead.  Realize you’re really pretentious for requiring one of these and go for a pint glass.  Do a few scritcha-scratcha motions with the barspoon and tilt a little on the ground for MCA.  Pour it all into an old fashioned glass (because yes, it’s an old-fashioned, basically), then go all Hulk on an orange with the vegetable peeler to get yourself a really nice piece of peel.  Express the oil over the drink and on the rim.  Try to get that fucking Madonna “Express Yourself” song out of your head.  Drop in the peel, add a Les Parisiennes brandied cherry on a stick, and try to figure out what to name this thing on the blog.

I think it should be mandatory to have a couple of these before being asked to believe that Scarlett Johannsen is a master assassin.

So I went to see the Mariners play today.  21st perfect game in Major League Baseball history.  Unfortunately, it was pitched by a guy from the White Sox.  So here’s a commermorative drink.  It’s super-delicious, but bitter.  Just like the game.

The Perfect Game

1 oz Campari
.5 oz Licor 43
.5 oz Dolin Blanc vermouth
.5 oz lemon
3 oz dry sparkling wine

Build it in a champagne flute and pour the sparkling over the other ingredients.  Garnish with a thin lemon wedge.   Think how much better the game would have been if you could have gotten four or five of these in you before the opening pitch.  Try to forget about the fact that he actually blew it, since the last pitch of the game was a ball on a 3-2 count, but the batter checked his swing and it was called a strike.  You know.  These things happen.  Usually to the Mariners.

At least it was a gorgeous day.

Enough with the bourbon!  It’s sunny.  Time to switch it up… to MEZCAL!

No Habla

1 oz mezcal
.75 oz tawny port
.25 oz pimento / allspice dram

Stir it all in your new Yarai seamless mixing glass with your fancy new weighted bar spoon.  Feel like a pretty, pretty princess.  Strain into the most precious little cocktail glass you have.  Oh, look at that little thing!  It’s so cute!  Better put an orange twist garnish on it and give it a couple of brandied cherries.  Whooza cute lil cocktail?  Whooza special little drink?  That’s YOU, No Habla!  YOU!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you make something with mezcal feel like a girly drink.

…goes down the drain.

A friend graciously donated some fine hooch from Sierra Leone to the cause of Baby Got Sauce, because, y’know, science demands.  You can tell that it’s quality stuff, because the plastic blister packs are scored for easy tearing.

I’m pretty sure Sonja from Mortal Kombat did not plan on being the spokesmodel for Sierra Leone pineapple spirit liquor.  Well, I guess she did have a really cool move involving punching guys in the nuts.   Fuck, I played the hell out of her.  That was the best way to piss off guys who thought they could beat me and take over the machine with no sweat.  Wait, does that mean I’m old?  Shit.

So what does one do with this crap?  For fuck’s sake, don’t drink it.

Unpalatable Swill

One packet Double Punch pineapple spirit
1 oz Cruzan white rum
1 oz orange juice

Survey your liquor cabinet and look for the cheapest shit you have.  Decide that the bottle of Cruzan white rum that you’ve had for ages and that ran about $18 is, although perfectly respectable, the sluttiest liquor you have that will do the job.  Look at the five pound bag of oranges you got for $5 from Cash and Carry.  Come to the conclusion that one orange is worth sacrificing for science.  Pour all this crap into a shaker.  Think about icing it.  Don’t even bother.  Sample it.  Wait.  Don’t do that.  I did it for you.  Trust me.  Don’t do it.  Pour it all into a really pretty glass and add a Luxardo cherry with some syrup, because that may fool your enemies into consuming it.  Plus, Luxardo cherries are crap.  Mmm mmm mmm.  Doesn’t that look good?  Give it to your husband, with the disclaimer of “Ew, this is foul, taste it.”  Watch him verify your conclusion.  Think about removing your nail polish with it.  Take a picture of it for posterity, toss it down the drain, and make yourself something – anything – else.

For what it’s worth, anything else was:

2 oz Sazerac rye
.25 oz amaretto
.5 oz Amaro Meletti
.5 oz Cocchi di Torino sweet vermouth

So remember, kids – go to Sierra Leone for the… well, I don’t know.  But not for the booze.  And say hi to Sonja for me.

If Tom Jones and Jack White can cover Howlin’ Wolf, why can’t I mix gin and rum?  I’m GONNA.  You can’t stop me.

White Lily

1 oz white rum
1 oz Hendrick’s gin
1 oz Cointreau
absinthe

Stir the gin, rum, and Cointreau with ice.  Wash a cocktail glass with absinthe, and strain.  Think about how Tom Jones makes Wayne Newton look like the front man for a cheap bar mitzvah band.  Belt out some “What’s New Pussycat”.  Leave your hat on.  Think about what would happen if Tom Jones got together with Tom Waits.  Hear yourself saying “Whoa.”

This isn’t my creation.  I don’t remember where we got it – it goes back a ways.  It was one of our first cocktail adventures.  If you have a scantily stocked bar, it’s a fine one to start with, if you’re fond of the herbal notes of Hendrick’s.  The absinthe really ties it together, but you could leave it out in a pinch.  Wait until you can afford a decent bottle of the stuff – cheap absinthe will make you sad in the pants.  And the stomach.